told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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