He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
