i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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