I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
