Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
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the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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