Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
