The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
