There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You left your phone here
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