Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
