i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
