do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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