Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
