i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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