One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
