Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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