This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i think i just lost a toe
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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