You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
