Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
