sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
