my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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