I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
