After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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