I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
