My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
