True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
