I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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