I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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