I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
