I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
