Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
