you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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