i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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