id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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