Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
