It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
