just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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