I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
