just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
