she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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