we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
