Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
