the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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