My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
