My liver just broke up with me...
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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