There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
