so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
