The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
