I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
