Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
