youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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