i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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