So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
