I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I enjoy the company of your penis
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