I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
