Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
