why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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